Thank God Its Gbagaun Friday S01E05

Another Friday is here again...yaaaaaay*dancing*....and brought to you by the one and only me*wink* are the ten contestants for this week.

Enjoy!!!

Contestant No. 1

Contestant No. 2

Contestant No. 3

Contestant No. 4

Contestant No. 5

Contestant No. 6

Contestant No. 7

Contestant No. 8

Contestant No. 9

Contestant No. 10

Childhood

I go by the name Kunle and I have a thing for chickens….yes I said it, “a thing for chickens”. Y’all probably be thinking I’m a weirdo or I’m being followed by 3 witches from my village *lol*…buh hey I don’t care, neither do I give a F*#K…all I know is that I have a penchant for chickens.

When I say I have a thing for chickens, I don’t mean I love eating chicken oooo (whether fried, roasted, grilled or boiled). I actually love ‘em like friends that I can talk to and share whatever is on my mind with…weird baa??? Hehehehehe…..Gat mad love for them tho, but it has greatly reduced now that I’m all grown and lemme borrow the words “more sensible” (if you dare abuse or laugh at me ehnnnnn).

During my childhood days, I was known for my wittiness, cunningness and unconditional love for chickens. My mom had a mini poultry back then and I was the General Overseer of it.

Every day, I’d wake up very early, clean the poultry and feed the chickens before going to school. At times, I do take my favorite chickens to the bathroom and treat them to a lovely bath…Chai!!! Thinking of these things now makes me feel like slapping myself continuously *covers face*. One thing I was known for back then was that I hated the act of killing chickens. To me it was like killing a human being. So my mom always sell the chickens and their eggs, she never for once killed any chicken (except you want me to go all HULK HOGAN on you).

The only day I hated most was “Christmas Day”, ‘cos that’s the day when one or two chickens is/are killed all in the name of celebrating Christmas (why evuls)*rme*. So whenever it’s Christmas, we only ate every other edible thing except chicken. In my mind I was thinking that my family supported my “SAY NO TO THE ACT OF MURDERING CHICKENS” movement, not knowing that they always sneak behind me to devour the chicken *snitches*.

One thing that baffled me then was the way they hatch their eggs. I once asked my mom why they had to sit on their eggs till they hatch, and she explained that heat is transferred from the body of the chicken whilst sitting on the egg which therefore makes the egg to hatch…I was like “hmmmn interesting….God is really marvelous”.

There was this particular egg that had over-stayed its incubation period. Normally it should take 21 days for an egg to hatch, but this egg was already spending 28 days and that got me really concerned.. I even talked to my mom about it & she told me not to worry that it'll eventually hatch. But I wasn't cool with that answer.
On this fateful day, I came back from school quite early. There was no one at home, so I went to check on the egg & it still hadn't hatched. Then one thought came to my mind...after saying this, I know y'all gonna crucify me...This was what popped up in my head, 

"Kunle, don't you think the heat from the chicken is not enough to hatch this egg??? Since you're bigger than the chicken and you have more body heat, why not hatch the egg yourself"

Na so my mumu self undress till I was bare & ...wait for it, wait for it *drumroll* its coming, wait for it *drumroll*...Yeah!!! I sat on the egg *covers face*...Sometimes I think about my childhood & just  S(._.  ) M( ._. ) H(  ._.) .
Initially I felt uncomfortable 'cos I didn't wanna exert my entire weight on the poor egg so that it wouldn't break. Later on I could feel my anus bumbum getting a tad hot, then I thought that with this much heat, the egg would hatch in some minutes time. Not knowing that I was a big jonzer. After spending about 2 hours sitting on the egg, the door to the poultry opened & guess who it was???????? *ghen ghen ghen ghen*.

I got the beating of my life that day mhen *crying*
Momsy almost beat me to stupor. As from that day, my proclaimed "love" for chickens diminished.

Thank God Its Gbagaun Friday S01E04

#Gbagaun #Gbagaun #Gbagaun...

On your computer.....Click link.....Laugh!!!

Have a great laugh y'all...

Contestant No. 1

Contestant No. 2

Contestant No. 3

Contestant No. 4

Contestant No. 5

Contestant No. 6

Contestant No. 7

Contestant No. 8

Contestant No. 9

Contestant No. 10

.....hahahahahahahahaha......

Parolez Gone Bad

Before I start this cruise, I’d like to mention that I’ve asked God for forgiveness and I’m sure He has forgiven me.*****

When we talk about fine, on-point, heaven-sent babes, Tinuke is most def part of the first five. Staying 3 blocks away from my house, I could actually see her room from my window. Her dad is a commissioner, while her mum holds one ghen-ghen post in the ministry, so in summary she is an Ajebo (to the core).

Whenever she takes a stroll round the neighborhood, I always make sure that I position myself at vantage points so as to scope her and find an opportunity to chat her up. It got to a stage that I knew her daily routine; where she’s gonna be at a particular time, what she’s gonna take for breakfast/lunch/dinner and so on and so forth. You could even call me her “itinerary” sef..lol. During the times of scoping her, I never had the liver to walk up to her to introduce myself, and I have lied to told my friends that I have already gotten her number & we have started hanging out *covers face*…In order not to fall my hand, I sha summoned up courage from the North, South, East & West *lol* and walked up to her during one of her regular strolls. In my mind, I was thinking she’ll be such a snub… but when I approached her, she actually responded well & in a very friendly manner…very cool babe tho. We talked almost through the night without taking cognizance of time; I got to find out that she really didn't have friends in the neighborhood. So I instantly became her number one friend in the entire neighborhood *As E Dey Hot*. After our first encounter, we started hanging out virtually every night and we chatted regularly. I could tell that she really enjoyed my company because she was always reminding me of our next meeting *wink*. I later invited her to come over to my place (at least for the first time, since we stay just blocks away) and she accepted (of course).

On the day she was to come over…ehen lemme digress a little to chip this in..My dad travelled for business ish, mom went to work and my kid sister was in boarding school, so I was home alone except with my little cousin who is about 2 years or thereabout….now back to my story…Tinuke eventually came to my house and we were really having a good time gossiping gisting, playing (attimes it was intimate..heheheh…you know as e dey go nau *wink*). All these while, my lil cousin was asleep. Then he woke up and said he was thirsty and also wanted to eat chocolate…Now, this is where I made a very big mistake (all thanks to “akpako”), Momsy had always warned me not to allow my lil cousin to take anything from the chest freezer especially chocolates & cake…one thing about this freezer is that it has this auto-lock ish like that...but because I was so engrossed in my intimate activity with Tinuke, I told him to go get the water & chocolate himself. Then I took her to my room to continue our mhnn-mhnn *clears throat*. While we were in the room, I didn't know that my cousin had actually tumbled into the freezer whilst trying to get the chocolate *sad face* and the freezer lid shut him in. After like 20 minutes, I heard the door bell and came down to check who it was and to my surprise, it was my mom…said she was feeling kinda feverish that’s why she decided to come home. Then she asked after my cousin and I said he must be in his room playing or something. So she asked me to fetch him. On getting to his room I didn't find him there, called out his name but no response, went outside to check whether he was playing with the neighbor’s children but he was nowhere to be found. Momsy was already getting worried. ‘Twas when she went to the kitchen to get water that she heard this thumping sound coming from the freezer. So she called my attention to it, when I got there it was then it hit me that my lil cousin must have tumbled into the freezer and locked himself in it. On opening the lid of the freezer, lo and behold...we both saw him inside the freezer shivering, looking so pale, weary and chilled (icicles were already forming around his eyebrows) after long minutes of battling to get himself free…Thank God the power supplied by our ever-friendly NEPA PHCN that day was fluctuating, so the freezer was tripping off and on, otherwise na another story we go dey talk.

Chai!!!!! Na then I know say my own don be…..to cut the long story short, I got the beating of my life to the extent that if you had seen me, you’d think I stole in Bariga market *sad face*.

Thank God It's Gbagaun Friday S01E03

Another episode is out again *yaay*...and as usual, I've picked out the 10 contestants for this week...so ladies and gentlemen...ENJOY!!!...*wink*

Contestant No. 1

Contestant No. 2

Contestant No. 3

Contestant No. 4

Contestant No. 5

Contestant No. 6

Contestant No. 7

Contestant No. 8

Contestant No. 9

Contestant No. 10

....lmfao....

Omo Pastor

*singing*

"Oya wa lepa toh dun

O de n se good girl omo pastor

O ku die iwo na lo ma bad gan

Mo de ri e ni church lana

She wants me to buy her Rozé

She said that she's feeling naughty

I said that I'm really not sure

I swear that I've seen you before

Ahh omo pastor se u wana put me for trouble omo pastor

Se u wanna finish my shayo omo pastor

Omo pastor

U can't do me

Girl u can't do me naada

I've seen your type before

Na the type that keeps coming back for more"............#Omo Pastor by Ajebutter22 Ft. BOJ (of DRB Lasgidi)

Ever since this new pastor was transferred to my church, I always had this curios feeling that something was gonna happen (whether its a bad or good omen...that, I don't know). Standing at 6ft5, handsome (fine boy no pimples), well built muscles & body structure with complete 6 packs (heard he was once a professional boxer/fitness trainer before giving his life to Jesus). The ish that tripped me pass (#no homo) is the fact that he had this British accent *whew*....Chai!!! Most times I wish we could just swap personalities, but that can only happen in dream land/fantasy land...hehehehehe.

His wife is pretty (no doubt about it) and they got 2 children, a boy & a girl. The boy is...errrrmmm...just there sha...at times I dey wonder whether the momsy go play away match cos he no carry him papa handsomeness put for face...but what's my own *lips sealed*...But the girl...Chei!!!...the girl oooooo...Chimooo!!!...this girl fine die...asin she fine, hot, she con get the arsenalz & barcaz in abundance, fine tuned with sexy curves (hour glass shape). In summary, she set gaaan...You know when people say God spent full time & extra time in creating some people...yes...she's part of that set of people *wink*.

As a sure boy *in MayD's voice*, I dey always baff-up go church. Making sure that whenever I waka pass, heads must turn..oya enough of the beating around the bush...lemme move to the koko of this cruise...

My first contact with this babe (omo pastor) was when we had one of our youth meetings after service. I almost passed out after getting a closer view of this babe. I sha made sure that I walked up to her, introduced myself & chatted her up. One thing led to another & we kinda got close...exchanged contacts & BB pins, chatted frequently even after seeing each other in church, mid-night calls etc.

Even got to know that she was in my school, she was in 200 level studying Accounting while I was in my final year studying Mass Communication. As a soji guy, I rarely missed clubbing on fridays...From Deuces to Chrome, Genesis, Saga 8, The Vault, Q's club, Rehab etc...just to mention a few.

On this friday after having series of boring lectures, I decided to checkout a new club that was recently opened with one of my hommies. The club actually made sense,cool setting, nice environment & the DJ was on point. After spending close to an hour, I sighted a familiar face dancing at one corner. Found my way to the corner...Lo & behold guess who the person was???...

"Omo Pastor!!!"

I was like "huh"...issokay. Well I don't criticize or judge anyone, so I tapped her & asked if I could dance with her & she yielded...in my mind I was like "for real", because ever since we've made contact, I've always been daydreaming of the day I'ld get to rock those curves & touch the untouchables *bb smiley eyelashes*.

She actually didn't recognize me because the lights were really dim & she was pretty high...asin high. So we danced & rocked all night *wink* and also did some things ...if you wanna know what we did, call me...hehehehehe. Then we dropped her in school the next morning.

On sunday after service, I called her up & narrated he whole friday experience to her...omo the babe was surprised & dumbfounded...but I sha told her not to be scared, that its cool to be young, wild & free sometimes. After that sunday, our relationship waxed stronger. We'd club,go on paroles, spend nights together etc...we were beginning to like each other very much. One thing I noticed about her is that she is a lover of the Ethanol Family (Shayoooooooo)...Choi!!! This babe dey drink shege outta alcohol. Getting high is one of her hobbies.

On this fateful friday, the church had a vigil/praise night...meaning no clubbing for me...atleast I'll get to see her there.

After about 2 hours of intense praise, the guest speaker mounted the pulpit & started a session of prayer. Then I received a ping from omo pastor that I should meet her in the children's department. On getting there, she closed the door behind me & said she was feeling sleepy & tired and decided to take a time out...well I was cool with it. So we sat down & started gisting whilst the prayer was going on. Then she brought out a bottle of Eva table water from her bag, the moment she popped it open I perceived a very familiar smell & I instantly knew the content of the bottle wasn't water. After taking a gulp, she offered it to me...wetin man go do now...so I accepted the offer & we kept on sipping & gisting.

Then she started getting a lil tipsy & ...you know *wink*, so we started kissing and she loosened my belt & was about to ....*lips sealed*...I was like "in church???"...but you know temptation is just a bastard *covers face*.

All this while, we were unaware of the fact that the pastor & some members of the prayer band were in the next room praying...we couldn't hear them due to the deafening noise from the speakers in the auditorium.

Halfway into our "heated discussion", suddenly the door opened...lo & behold, the Pastor, HOD of prayer band & 2 members walked in on us....*faints*

I need not tell you what happened afterwards....eyaff be for me *covers face*

Thank God It"s Gbagaun Friday S01E02

'Tiz another Friday again...and I've selected again (as usual) your favorite contestants that have axed English language. So the floor is open for comments...keep 'em rolling in *wink*

Contestant No. 1

Contestant No. 2

Contestant No. 3

Contestant No. 4

Contestant No. 5

Contestant No. 6

Contestant No. 7

Contestant No. 8

Contestant No. 9

Contestant No. 10

...lwkmd...

BB Charger???

Ketu! Ojota ! Ketu! ooo

#500 naira Ketu! ooooo

#500 naira ke!!! Thats way way preposterous na *why evuls*...me wey just get #850 naira left with me all thanks to WOMAN *ibo accent*. Several buses passed screaming fares ranging from #500 to #700...but looking at the mammoth crowd gathered at Oshodi bus stop, no one had a choice (except you wan waka sha). These danfo drivers just wanted to use this fuel subsidy BS to extort money from the average Nigerian.

Molue & BRT buses were MIA and taxis were demanding for exorbitant fees.

I was so damned for embarking on this journey of setting "P" all the way from Ikorodu (outland…lol) to Ajao Estate (mainland) because of  “Akpako”…what we do for girls sha *covers face*.

After 2 hours of waiting patiently for a saving grace (which didn't come), I sha reluctantly boarded one of the #500 naira Danfo.

On getting to Ketu, there was actually no bus available to convey people down to Ikorodu…na only Mile-12 the conductors they halla. The thing wey con vex me pass na the sun, the bros just dey extra-shine as if e no go shine tomorrow. Everybody was anxiously waiting for the arrival of Molue/Danfo/BRT like say they don hear say Jesus dey come that day. After spending close to 40 minutes standing & sweating under the sun, it got to a stage people started sitting on the pavement by the road. Na so pure water sellers sef dey use us catch trips, selling a sachet for #20 naira *chei…awon scammer oshi*

As I was standing jejeli on my own, na so my “Akpako sensor” *wink* bin target one fine girl wey just standa for one spot. From my first sighting of her, she looked like a total "Ajebo" (with oyinbo accent) that was stranded. She held her phone and was looking down at it with sadness written all over her face. As a sure boy wey no dey dull concerned Nigerian, I walked up to her and introduced myself and we got talking…later got to know that she was actually coming from a friend’s place and was supposed to call her mom’s driver once she gets to Ketu, but her phone battery went flat before getting to Ketu…summary of the story is that she is stranded and she doesn’t have enough money to charter a cab. I sha calmed her down and told her everything will be alright.

As if heaven heard our prayers, one rickety looking Molue arrived and the conductor shouting “#300 naira Koodu ooo!!! (na Ikorodu he dey call o)…see as we take rush enter am like say awoof money dey inside. Upon our rushing, both the babe & I couldn’t get a seat, so we had to take “standing” right beside the driver.

The Molue was filled to the brim to the extent that whenever the driver steps on the brake pedal, lower front go dey hit lower back and upper back go dey hit upper front *if you know what I mean…wink*

All of a sudden something I’ll never ever forget in my life happened…the babe actually asked the Molue driver for something.

Wanna guess what she asked for????????

This is how she said it *in yankee accent*,

“Excuse me, please do you have a blackberry car charger?....rotflmfao.

Omo mhen!!! I couldn’t believe my ears. Like seriously, who the fuck says that???....for inside MOLUE….lwkmd…I couldn’t hold it mhen, I just burst into laughter.

Trust the molue driver nau(person wey don shack paraga)…na so he reply “Abi eleyi ti ya werey ni”(meaning: abi this one don mad ni)……hehehehehehehehehehe.